4 am awake again
trauma replaying in the brain
sneezing causing pain
so tired i was at 7pm
yet here awake I am
where's my door out?
days going to slow.
anticipation intensified by the lack of get up and
just drive.

April 6, 2009

I found myself once again
sitting at the place where who I thought you were
and who you really are, collide.
jolted into a seeming reality
shook loose from the shell of obsession of you
praying time will remain my friend.
doubt and worry fill the
empty spaces of conversations with you
laying in wait, observation
my head telling me
"run now while you still have a chance"
my instinct struggling to fight this notion
with the reasons to leave all falling short
of the one to stay-through the fear and unknown
proceed with caution
but proceed all the same
stumble blindly through.
an atmosphere of difference clouds my thought
straining to practice
                  all I've said I could
                                      with you.

Drastic Change Inspired by Nate April 11, 2009

Fast paced, busy life
Hide behind the go of it all
 for all the years
stopped by outside forces
a decisoin seemingly clear
One moment
     spins the world sideways, backwards,&
 upside down
fruitless attepmts at adjusting
  to a newness not even known
locked in comparison
  of two lives beyond compare
the only connection back-memories
and scattered conversations with friends from back then
only short months have past
the drastic changes taking place
turning the months to years
    in the stories of the lonely mind
the end result -locked in the grip of time
each new choice a new adaption
society's normal life.
each days attempt to blend
a stepping stone away
from a now different, once busy life
semblences of the past-held on tight
to keep a bread crumb path back
awaiting the first moment to even visit home
immeresed in the proccess of change without realization
never questioning if you can really go back home
a new life dawns
as a seemingly clear decision
is followed through.

one hour since the last message
twelve hours since the last goodbye
twelve hours to the next hello
one week and three days since we started
minutes feeling like days
days seemingly eternity
three months to much invested to wait
warning signs crossed and long forgotten
the mistakes I've made turned into
the road I had to travel to get to you
aftaid my growing faith
will not discover your
emotions straining behind your fears
glimmers of hope sparkle in my soul
at every whisper of you
caugh off guard.
holding tightly to these moments
until we meet again
for the very first time

The Place Where Words Escape 1/24/09

A non existent kiss from you
   lingers on my lips
traces of your warmth
  remnants stray around my skin
the thought of your impression
  left in my bed
knowing it had to be
  the way it is
wishing we could have stayed
  locked in that moment forever
holding on to something
  we still feel there
reality trapped in the distance between us
circumstances locking us in feelings
the outcome known only by time
some unseen link
keeping us caught up in each other.

Accurate for his Barrettness 1/24/09

Do you sit and think of me
As much as I think of you?
Is every thought clouded by
 our conversations?
Is every smile on your face
 memories of us togehter?
Reality pushed aside by
 miles between us.
The feelings so real
fantasy takes the upper-hand.
Every word, every thought of a touch
reaching that place where words escape.
History and fear suppressing
Passion and Loves attempts to connect
2 souls.

1/24/09

Honesty
raw, pure, deep.
honesty so blind, so true, so telling
it cuts through the very heat of our conversation
vulnerability sinks in
exposure so brand new
there's no pretenses left to hold
every moment after this
analyzed in fear, worry, regret
No one left to hold
if the only one who knows
walks away.

B. 1/22/09

can't sleep
lost in possibility
head hearing
heart ignoring
discarding truths
storing only the fragments of romance
unwillingly feeling desire for you
wanting to be what you've had and lost
unable to analyze, or control
powerless to be anyone but me.

Inspired by B. 1/22/09

Anticipation:
 numbing reality
 clouding all judgement
Temptation you thought
you'd left behind
 appears in every thought
Distance not seeming to effect a connection
 that stretches across state lines
the distance a false safety net
   an attempt at fooling ourselves
in believeing we can't feel what is true
Time the only indication of emotions
   yet to come
knowledge, fear, distance, and experience
 all indications of future pain
The series of events
 opening a door to possibilities of future healing
Lost in the eternity of hear and now with you.

Starting Something w\ B. 1/22/09

option one: ends bad for you
option two: ends bad for me
so many years spent with only these options
  why bother starting before we begin
  but always beginning and always ending
  in option one or option two
And now, here at the beginning you say
 it may end in these options
 already knowing, not believing
 I'm here again
And option two isn't where you end
where else can it go that's real?
option three: we can remain friends!
A new choice brought on by a new life
the possibility of what may be; a consideration
the decision to not act and just be, mutual
an unexpected experience
dredged out of so many years of pain
the agonies it took to get here
   finally settle
As the peace of knowing emerges.

More for B. written 1/22/09

Thought not yet folding to action
The fine line between instinct and control
        dulls in the distance.
With each conversation
    becoming shorter than the next
the wall of obsession starts to crumble
    leaving reality rushing through the lines
Lost in wanting to hold on to a
      temporary connection
conversation gives way to mutual
    fantasy
reality struggling to stand firm.
past lives forgotten
giving way to glimpses of future insanity.
Struggles yet to come,
End result: To Be Determined.

written: unknown 09

My sould spins restless
with the battering of the wind
as though the pain,
surfacing from somewhere
that imagination can not see,
has caused a catastrophe
of winded events.
the fires of the nights
blazing to clear the dead brush
of the town
fueled by the anger
beating its way
through the heart
to somewhere visible, tangible;
a place of manageability, speech, hope
a place where help,
as futile as the efforts seem
are finally able to try

Thanks B. My Angel. Written: 1/21/09

The evidence appears
As I awaken
Although I know
Trusting, believing
Blind faith
-I test.
As I seek out the truth
I find it was always there
I had turned against it
Always searching for the lies
Always finding what I sought.
No longer dead. No longer empty.
Ready and listening
In came you.
 you-lost and searching
For what you once had found
now again necessary to turn
your back on. I was there.
Neither seeking the other
To self-centered to be anything but self.
Found a true connection
Two Human Spirits finding
a way through to each other
Emerging angels in the moment.